I had the opportunity to visit a good friend today. I say good friend not because we've known each other long or been through a lot, but because she modeled and provided the things a good friend does- acceptance, wisdom, respect, curiosity, permission to be oneself.
As we chatted over our coffee and cake I was reminded of my intentions for starting this blog in the first place. I wanted to have a place where I could freely express all the richness under the surface that I wasn't able to give voice to in my daily life. I want this space to be as unedited as possible. I realized that I might write more often if I dropped the obligation to find an inspiring quote or photo or come up with just the right words. I still love photography and quotes, but I don't want them to get in the way of my spirit freely expressing itself.
Another thing that was illuminated during our visit was how I base the worth of a piece on what other people might say or think about it. At one point I was envious of Internet personalities (Deepak Chopra, Brene Brown, Kelly Rae Roberts to name a few) who make a living writing, photographing, teaching, and selling their own take on life. And today it hit me, "thank God I don't have a following. What a relief! I don't have to cultivate a following." I already have a full-time job. This space is not for making money or accumulating "likes." It is so that my ideas, opinions, and desires can be heard. If they resonate with you, that's awesome. And if they don't, equally awesome. Because we all need the freedom to feel what we feel.
*As a side note, I have noticed that whenever I post something related to teaching, it gets a huge positive response. However, teaching is not the nearest or dearest thing to my heart. In fact, sometimes I feel like it is slowly suffocating my soul. Some of the posts that mean the most to me get very little attention from readers or friends. But they still matter to the one writing them.*
I am going to give a little more authority to what I've learned about myself. I'm not a big reader of books or watcher of movies. I am tired of the whole "go big or go home," "anything is possible" mentality. Having an organized living space is more important to me than making big, creative messes. It helps me think more clearly. I value alone time as much friend time. I have to force myself to go to yoga even though I know I'll feel better after. I never force myself to go running or walking or cook a yummy meal. I don't want kids and at this point I don't want a romantic partner. All of these things may change, but I want to honor what is true for me for now. Emphasis on for me, for now. I wish you the guilt-free permission to honor the same stirrings for what is true for you in your current life situation.